Gender Jokes

A Kiwi guy walks into his kitchen where is wife is doing the dishes and he has a sheep under one arm. He says.."babe, I wanna introduce you to the pig I been shaggin' all these years."
His wife looks at him and says, "that isn't a pig, stupid. It's a sheep. Guy says right back: " I was talking to the sheep."

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Mary, Susan and Jane die. They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".
The first day, Mary goes out and comes back with a hideously ugly guy. Susan and Jane ask, "what happened?". Mary says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

The next day, Susan goes out, she comes back with a short fat, ugly guy with a B.O. problem. Mary and Jane ask, "what happened?". Susan says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

The following day Jane goes out and comes back with a HOT guy, blue eyes, and tall, charming as all hell and built. Mary and Susan ask the obvious question, "What happened?"
The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

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A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff.
The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"

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Bob says to Frank, "What's the fundamental difference between a man and a woman?"
Frank replies, "I dunno...what?"
Bob gives a hefty sigh: " That Frank, could be the crux of your dating issues."

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

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Kiwi to a redneck American: How do you give a woman an orgasm?

Redneck American back: Who F$@#&'n cares? (Not much you can say to that really, is there?)

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A man was digging a ditch, when he uncovered a lamp. When he brushed it off, a genie popped out, and said "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one wish.."
The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the world, pointed to the Middle-East, and replied "I want you to bring peace to this area."
"Ooooh....I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie. "There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll have to choose another wish..."
The man then said "Well....then how about having my wife give me a blow job, voluntarily...?"
The genie thought for a minute, then said "Can I see that map again..?"

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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does'nt know which
one to marry. So he decides to test them by giving each one $5000 to see how each
of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works,
and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money – then he married the one with the biggest breasts.

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Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but Ill never know why.