Barroom Jokes
Two jews walk into a bar and buy it. (You had to be there really. My favorite New York bar, 2x4, is owned by two Jewish guys.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and the guy can't even put one foot in front of the other. Half carrying the guy, our good samaritan finally gets him to his car and they drive along until the drunk points out his house. Our guy stops the car and half carries the staggerring drunk to his front door.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father O'Malley is still down after a three day frunk, so his brother Bobby decides to cover for him in the confessional, figuring that nobody will know the differenc. He's got a cheat sheet of basic sins and recommended penance.
to So the first person came in and said "father I told a lie." Bobby looked it up on the list and gave 2 our father's. The next person confessed that he cheated on his wife so bobby looked on the list and gave 4 hail mary's.
The next person that came in said "Father i did something terrible!" Bobby responded "What did you do?" He said "I had anal sex with a little boy!" Bobby looked at the list and he could not find ANAL SEX on the list!! So he opened the door and saw little tommy the altar server. He asked him "tommy what does father give for anal sex??" Tommy then responded "Two kit kats and a hersheys bar!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
